Love story gone bad..

Just when i was thinking y does things get real complicated. i hear a famous twosome broke up just coz of a lill bit of cheating.. its bad i mean cheating is real bad in a relationship. but what i find is. that female went out of her way and apologized to the whole world that the sparkling man means alot to her. but cant men just take that and leave the rest of the past. so wats the point in the whole relationship thing if u just cant forgive and forget an issue. i know its hard!! i have been there done that. i know how it feels but seriously .. u cant mean men are all just god's perfect species and they dont make one mistake?? is it?? i doubt that!!!

I mean, if men do the same thing , women are to forgive like it is written somewhere in the 10 commandments of relationship. like its written in the default mode that
 forgiveness -  check!!!
always think of the other person welfare not urs  - check
never a take any insult to heart - check!!
ur hubby ***** someone else in office don react - check!!!!
dont have an ego - check!!!

duh???!!!!!!

Why cant a man do the same thing.why cant men take that one step to just keep a relationship going??  why does his ego takes such a beat ??? why cant men just forget abt the past and move on with the one he loves rather pricking the same issue in one way or the other??


Is there any cardinal rule that women shud be forgivers and never forgiven???

m still saying wat she did is a mistake but aint loving someone and forgiving them is something bigger than a whole lifetime filled with pain??? 

So What Now ??

20-07-12 

So what is it about being together diary? I have seen enough couples those who break up and join back... Those who don’t at all have a fight... And those who go long way and never have a problem.

Why is it that I am able to forgive everything when my one small mistake is made into a huge problem and is held against me forever? My mom does the same thing so does everyone else.

This man, this friend who has come into my life recently, he is very genuine and likes me a lot. I don’t know anything about him yet. May be bits and pieces of information I might be knowing but what I do know is , this man is quite popular in this part of the world and I am scared shit scared. He just likes me for the pictures that I have posted. He used to tell me earlier that he was too good for me or too much for me.. Well he might be right, coz m feeling that now. I am feeling inferior to him diary. I have no idea why.. I like him too. He is very comforting all that a woman could ask for but i just cannot see a relationship or any future with him.

I know for a fact that if he sees my ugly side he will never want me. And history will repeat itself as we know it.  For once I want to feel I measure up to somebody just for once … is it so hard?

Is it a mistake to want to be loved or to love? is it a mistake to have flaws?

I loved a man very dearly but he only saw me as a burden .like he has been cheated upon. And I just couldn’t take that pain anymore. We tried making it work but it just dint happen. I tried hard diary I really did. Tried to understand his complex nature go with his flow. But I felt so insecure because I knew somewhere deep in my heart that he had just come back to hurt me but take revenge to what I had done to him. Even though it wasn’t anywhere big a mistake.  He did hold it against me.

So I knew. I knew I had to leave coz I couldn’t trust him.. Even though it hurt too much to let go I had to. Besides he never loved me I couldn’t feel his love anymore. The way he used to speak to me was horrifying. I had to let go and I did. It hurts yes it does. I know he is happy coz I know he wanted just that and I am so glad he is happy.  It’s been a while I haven’t seen him or heard from him so I know he is happy and having the time of his life something that he wanted.

Now this man this friend he comes into my life and says he likes me and wants to marry me. I am sure not dumb enough to say yes... That I know!!! I am not 100 % sure of anything at this moment. I don’t hold him on. But still the fact that he keeps asking me is quite confusing. He was the one who said he was a bit too much for me and now I feel the same way. A bit more badly than how I used to feel earlier. I know for a fact that he doesn’t love me I can sense it . I know for a fact that he likes me for how I look in my face book pictures and in the short films and he likes me for how I am as a friend but he fails to understand that’s not how I will be  when am in a relationship. He doesn’t know anything about me. At least not yet!!

Should I allow him to move further in my life?

Do you think I don’t deserve to be loved or taken care or have that relationship that says “they lived happily ever” after quote attached to it?

The Ugly Duckling

20-07-12

Me 

Dear diary ,

Guess I never saw you as an important aspect in my life. May be I was never stable enough to start writing what I felt. Even if I did, I guess I am not that good in keeping up to my promise of finishing what I started. So there is no promise here as well.

I am writing you and that’s all I know. May be it’s the impulse of the moment that I want to write to you. May be I will continue doing so. Who knows? Anyways enough of me blabbering on you.

There has been a lot of things happening in my life, good and the bad. I can’t see much clearly. Not now also. I am quite appalled about myself. Never clear of anything. Not stable. Never stable!.

May be that’s what makes me me!. You know what? Its quite funny how many things can change in such a short period of time? I don’t want to go back to my good old days of horror and terror. But still I would at times like to recollect my sorrows and my so called happy times. Which may be sometimes I dreamt for a really long time.

So what am I doing here? Why am I writing to you? What is the exact meaning of me insanely writing to a diary which actually doesn’t exist?

May be you do!! Who knows?

I don’t know!!

So here’s the thing.

I see this guy, this wonderful person whom I guess women will do anything for. They swoon themselves around him, cursing me literally for loving me and loving me only...

I mean literally... But the only problem is I don’t know him yet!!

YET!

I really don’t know who he is, where he is , what he is ..no idea where he will be coming from, or what he looks like to. But for a really long long time I have been having this distinct feeling that I am  searching for this so called person who might change me for the rest of my life.,

May be I am wrong

May be all girls at my age feel like this. It’s the usual prince charming tale where the guy just sweeps the girl of her feet. Hey but I don’t want any of that.

But seriously its not anything like that. Its been different, from the day I started doing school. I have been searching for that person. I don’t know why I keep searching for that person, but I do .. I have been doing it for a really long time.

The reason why I am saying this now is because I had a huge argument with my mum recently and all she says is I am chasing relationships, chasing men , chasing people, chasing love and care. Who doesn’t??

But seriously that is quite an eye opener because all these years I know something was wrong . may be its me but something is really wrong with me. I keep picturing this wonderful man who will just love me for what I am !! and the funny part is I really don’t know who I am!!

Funny isn’t it. But seriously whenever I have a relationship that ends say this is the 4^th relationship that has ended on a sore note. But really this is quite an eye opener for me coz I really don’t know where I am going. What I am doing and why I am doing what I am doing.

Its quite obvious that I really don’t know why I am doing that I am doing at this moment. Like typing so madly at this word file which I really know it’s not worth a piece. But still I am typing.

I had a huge argument this morning again with my mother. This time a litter harder and a bit harsher than the usual times. I have been trying to hide my hurt trying to sweep it under the mat or carpet of my heart so that it never shows up and no one sees it and they all see me as this strong individual working for one king size organisation. But seriously this time my mom did it. She uttered that word. You have been with 4 men now. And still you haven’t found that man yet she said. I was broken completely. Its tough to lose even after you do so much for the one you love that they leave you without thinking twice just because you have a bad temper and cant understand well at that situation. Well its been a hard time for me diar to go through so much. to fall in love and then just be thrown away the way I have been thrown used and deserted and ditched and betrayed.

Its been a tough time, tough life . its been hard. I have been there done that. Hurt ,used and thrown like a tissue. Here and there.

But yes I was loved, god was very kind with me. I was loved taken care. I really was one lucky girl to be loved the way I was loved. But it never lasted. They never saw me as I am. They saw that girl on that screen who loved so carefully. Smiled radiantly and most of all never had a temper. They wanted that girl who smiled so beautifully in every picture making it completely perfect, they wanted her. But I was never her. They fell for that girl never me . That’s the girl they wanted not the ugly duckling inside.

Even the guy ( a friend) who has come just now into my life , well he sort of likes me a lot as well . Nothing new!!! He too fell for that girl whom he saw on face book . And he thinks I will fit in so easily just like that picture that is so perfect. Coz its all the same. Same old story being repeated again and again and again. It just never stops. And I am here waiting for that one man who will see me for what I am. The ugly duckling who was tossed around, hurt ripped apart yet right here strong like a brick wall even after a huge earth quake.

May be it is a mistake to wait , wait for that man who will understand I will never change. Who will love me despite my flaws of being misunderstanding, insecurity and short tempered. Who will love me for myy childish behaviour, my fear and most of all me. sounds too self centred isn’t it. Yes I am . I have been that day from the day I was thrown and tossed around. I know I need to change. I so badly want to love , fall in love feel it and show it around. With my family with that man. but its like abrick wall I cannot feel a single thing penetrating through me .. I am neither happy nor sad.

I guess that friend who has come in recently told me the right word. I am made of stone… hurting to hear it but i guess I am. I can’t feel a thing except for pain. Why am I like this diary? Am I expecting too much from every one? I guess I am right?. I do expect too much from everybody! Otherwise I wouldn’t be this insecure or this misunderstanding right?.

Does this ugly duckling will ever be loved for what she is? or does she even deserve it?

And  s it all????????....

Until then

Urs

Ugly Duckling